01.02.14 ... 22.39 ... rob pursley

"have a nice day" should be disallowed. I also abhor the use of the word "pardon" instead of "excuse me" (a pardon is what you give to someone who has committed a capital offense or treason, not someone who belches). I also can't stand euphemisms that are incorporated into everyday speech without consideration, like "restroom" or "bathroom" for public toilets: you don't go into those to rest or take a bath (even worse is "facilities" or "powder room"). I could go on and on, so I won't.

01.02.14 ... 12.09 ... rachpoem

driving along m-40 yesterday, my friend and I saw a church called the m-40 north church of god. I mean, come on, just because they're religious doesn't mean they have to be completely devoid of all creativity. m-40 north church of god. harrumph. and on the sign in front were the words, "burned out on life? get souled out on jesus!" somebody shoot me. or them.

01.02.14 ... 11.03 ... shiitake

that's not a dog. that's a marshmallow. marshmallows are nice when they're in your hot chocolate, making up the chewy insides of a chocolate-covered rabbit or being blown up in the microwave. nothing charming, however, about a marshmallow when it's rolling around in the back yard, eating its own crap.

01.02.11 ... 17.56 ... annie lennox ... cold

dying is easy / it's living that scares me to death

01.02.07 ... 17.22 ... amy alkon

sex is inherently hilarious, as is any act which is experienced while pretzelized naked and emitting the sounds of barnyard animals being tortured.

01.02.05 ... 21.23 ... brunching shuttlecocks

I liked the police. synchronicity was a great album, especially that bit about my mother on the phone. sting on his own, however, is an overexposed morass of self-importance and violins. and what the hell is it with that line about a big enough umbrella that he puts in three-tenths of his songs? if I hear one more time about how it's always him that ends up getting wet I'm going to mangle something important to me.

01.02.05 ... 21.07 ... brunching shuttlecocks

there's obviously nothing in american cuisine so bad for you that it won't be battered and deep-fried. I'm sure the only thing preventing "fried breaded mayo 'n' butter nuggets" from hitting a denny's appetizer sampler near you is that they dissolve in the vat.

01.02.05 ... 21.02 ... brunching shuttlecocks

of all things served in the diner, coffee is the most crucial. it's not that it needs to be good -- it won't be. the critical point is that the tables have coffee cups on them when you sit down, and that an upturned and empty coffee cup is regarded as a blasphemous sin against God and nature. any diner that regards coffee as something you order, rather than something you drink to make it possible to order, should be investigated by the authorities.

01.02.04 ... 23.06 ... paul simon ... further to fly

there may come a time when I will lose you / lose you as I lose my sight / days falling backward into velvet night / the open palm of desire wants everything / it wants everything / it wants soil as soft as summer / and the strength to push like spring

01.02.04 ... 18.47 ... marc cohn ... ghost train

some trains they leave in the morning / some leave in the afternoon / some trains they leave here right on time / and some they just leave too soon / way too soon

01.02.03 ... 11.58 ... jackson pritt

and though I'm sure lots of guys will beat me over the head for saying this, catherine zeta-jones isn't hot. sorry! it's true, though. she's not hot, she never really has been, and since she played the part of a woman who snubbed john cusack in high fidelity, I'll hate her forever.

01.01.29 ... 22.31 ... ronda chollock

you and curtis eat like hippies, except you've replaced marijuana with aspartame.

01.01.29 ... 20.53 ... ray nelson

it's very hard to distinguish between the art of the american language and the science of it. people who try get headaches. I should know.

01.01.29 ... 20.50 ... ray nelson

mankind is a mixed race, somewhere between the angels and the french.

01.01.29 ... 20.49 ... gordon braden

in some cases [religion] makes people do even stupider things than sex does... although I realize that's saying a lot.

01.01.29 ... 20.48 ... ray nelson

davy crockett did not drink crème de menthe. if he had had crème de menthe, he would have given it to his girlfriend as perfume, or something.

01.01.29 ... 20.46 ... ray nelson

if you don't get children to stop ending sentences with prepositions, they'll go out and kill somebody!

01.01.29 ... 20.43 ... gordon braden

comments on the miller's tale:

• god, it's great being young and in heat!
• taste flaming death, asshole!
• fooling this loser is going to be as much fun as doing his wife!

01.01.29 ... 20.40 ... gordon braden

he makes the sign of the cross... this is medieval safe sex.

01.01.29 ... 20.38 ... gordon braden

the sex scene in beowulf is: the women bring in the beer.

01.01.29 ... 13.07 ... r.e.m. ... so fast, so numb

this is now / this is here / this is me / this is what I wanted you to see

01.01.29 ... 13.01 ... ani difranco ... swan dive

I don't care if they eat me alive / I've got better things to do than survive / I've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand / and I've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

01.01.29 ... 12.54 ... patty larkin ... only one

it's a miracle to say I love you / it's an act of God / shake me if I'm speechless / cause I think we pulled it off